


Behind Cabinet Doors.

by TayBartlett9000



Series: The men from the ministry say 'yes,   minister.' [2]
Category: The Men from the Ministry (Radio), Yes Minister
Genre: Cabinet - Freeform, Gen, Government, Historical, Humour, Love, Ministry, Politics, Romance, Spying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26359018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TayBartlett9000/pseuds/TayBartlett9000
Summary: Bernard Woolley finally finds out what truly happens behind the doors  of  governmental offices.
Series: The men from the ministry say 'yes,   minister.' [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1753150
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Behind Cabinet Doors.

It is time for another peep through the keyhole of government as we once again pay tribute to the men and women of our government service. They say that all work and no play makes for a dull person, but for the people of the ministry this saying doesn’t apply. Whether it is all work or all play, ministry workers are very dull people indeed.

On the day that the eager young executive Bernard Woolley found out for himself what truly went on behind the closed cabinet doors, he was sitting at his desk, waiting as usual for Richard Lamb and Derek Lennox-Brown to come in.

Bernard was used now to his superiors entering at ridiculously late hours, yet on that fateful morning, Lennox-Brown and Lamb arrived earlier than usual, at the hour of ten a.m. Lamb as usual was beaming all over his face and Lennox-Brown was looking slightly nervous as he always did when he was forced to contemplate the idea of doing some actual work.

“Ah, good morning, Wolly,” Lamb said brightly, throwing his ragged overcoat over the arm of a chair and plonking his arse upon a chair in front of his desk.

Bernard tried his damndest not to roll his eyes, but it was a difficult task to undertake. “It’s Woolley actually, sir,” he said as politely as he possibly could.

Lamb nodded absently. “Ah yes, I was forgetting.”

He had been forgetting every day since Bernard had first arrived at the Genral Assistance Department and had gently reminded Lamb of his real name every time the man managed to get it wrong. And yet Lamb never seemed to get it. Mind you, the man never managed to get a handle on anything very much.

Lennox-Brown was giving his desk the wance over. He was looking worried and as he glanced up at the older man, Bernard could see what Lennox-Brown was looking so worried about. Papers were heaped upon Lennox-Brown’s desk, papers that looked worryingly close to being official documents. Loooking up from his gloomy contemplation of his desk, Lennox-Brown said darkly, “oh glory. It looks as if we have an awful lot of work to do today. Sir Gregory really is a slave driver, don’t you think one?”

Lamb nodded again. He was completely engrossed in a magazine and offered only a vague answer. 

A door opened and Mildred Murfin entered, holding two cups of tea and a plate of biscuits. “Never fear,” she sang cheerfully as she made her way across to Lennox-Brown’s cluttered desk, “tea is here.”

Lennox-Brown smiled wearily, very much as if he had been in the office for days and accepted a steaming cup of tea from the pretty young typist. “Thanks a lot, Mildred,” he said with a melodramatic sigh, “I need this. Oh good lord, yes.”

“Ooo er,” Mildred commented as she paused beside the piles of paper heaped upon Lennox-Brown’s desk, “that’s an awful lot of paperwork, init. I wish I’d never come in. Mi boy friend suggested taking the day off and I wish I’d agreed now.”

Lennox-Brown looked up from his tea, shaking his head. “I wish I’d taken the day off too, Mildred. I dread to think what Sir Gregory’s got for us now.”

Mildred didn’t have time to answer. She had moved to Lamb’s desk and was about to place his cup of tea down when the door was thrown open, omitting a tall man with a voice twice the size of his body. Mildred squeaked in sudden fright, slamming Lamb’s teacup down upon the desk with enough force to cause half of it to splash onto the polished wood. Mildred, Bernard and the two cenior ministry men turned to look round. They knew who had arrived in their midst. Sir Gregory had apparently seen fit to grace them with his presence, how ever odious that presence was.

“Ah,” Sir Gregory Pitkin boomed in a voice almost loud enough to shake the room, “you decided to finally shuffle in, did you?”

Lennox-Brown mumbled something unintelligible to Bernard, possibly something about being late because of his car or his wife or possibly something else.

Sir Gregory was in no mood to listen. He made Bernard jump as his voice once again rang through the room. “Oh, stop drivelling, Lennox-Brown. I’m in no mood to listen to your voice this morning. I have a job for you. Several jobs actually.” He pointed to Lennox-Brown’s desk. “I want you to rush through that order for the navy. They’re running out of supplies again and they need some more uniforms ASAP. Get that done will you?” He didn’t give either Lamb or Lennox-Brown any time to answer before he hurried on with his long list of demands. “Once you’ve done that, get onto the ministry catering department and get the food organised for Mr Bletchley’s leaving party.”

“Do we have to, Sir Gregory?” Lennox-Brown asked.

Lamb nodded fervently. “Mr Bletchley hates parties,” he said earnestly, “he probably won’t even turn up.”

Sir Gregory scowled at the two cenior executives. “He bloody well turn up if it’s the last thing the man does. We’re giving him a party and he’ll bloody well enjoy it.” The man made his way for the door. “Get that done please. I have a lot to do today so hurry up with it.”

And he was gone.

Bernard lept into action, eager to show the men just how hard this young man was willing to work. “Shall I get onto the men in charge of naval stores?” he asked, knowing that neither Lamb or Lennox-Brown would ever say no. They hated work. 

Lennox-brown nodded, returning to his cup of tea. “Yes, get on with it, Bernard. It’ll be a good bit of work experience for you.” He paused and added under his breath, “it’s a bit of work experience for anyone who tries to have a chat with that man.”

So Bernard jumped at the chance. He picked up the phone and diled the correct number, wanting to get some work done. While he worked, Lennox-Brown and Lamb participated in what they loved best, doing cross words, discussing the possible outcomes of the latest horse race and compared notes on the latest governmental disasters. There were many governmental disasters to compare notes on, Bernard knew. Most of these disasters had been brought about by Lennox-Brown and Lamb themselves.

Hours passed.

“Could you show me where Sir Gregory’s office is?” Bernard asked as Mildred came towards him with his fifth cup of tea that day. He rose to his feet, two slips of paper in his hand. One slip of paper contained details of the latest naval export order and the second detailed the orders made for Mr Bletchley’s leaving party.

Mildred was frowning. “You’re being a bit brave, int ya?” she asked in auh, “none of us ever dare going up to Sir Gregory’s actual office. If he wants something, he comes down to see us.”

Bernard plastered a confident smile on his face, hoping to God that he seemed even slightly convincing. He hated to admit it, but he was slightly frightened of Sir Gregory. Then again though, everyone was. “Of course not,” he said cheerfully, “it’ll be fine. I only have to hand this in and get away from there.

Mildred told Bernard that she would take him as far as the door but no further. Nodding in polite agreement, Bernard accompanied the pretty young typist down the dimly lit ministry coridors and towards Sir Gregory Pitkin’s office.

Was it Bernard’s imagination? No. It couldn’t have been. Bernard Woolley was a man not given over to fanciful nonsense. But then again, it did seem real. The world around him seemed to grow a little darker with each step taken towards Sir Gregory’s office. But that couldn’t be true. Sir Gregory wasn’t that bad, surely. Yes, he was given over to bouts of furious temper, temper that frightened, horrified and exasperated in equal measure but surely to goodness, he wasn’t that bad. Was he?

Mildred seemed most unwilling to hang around. She paused beside the door and shot Bernard a look full of nervous aprehention. “I’m off now,” she told him in a stage whisper, “I don’t want to be around when you go in. He doesn’t have a good temper at the best of times. Good luck.” She placed a finger, complete with painted nale to her lips and hurried away, moving as quickly as she could without actually running. Bernard ignored his own sudden sense of creeping foreboding and prepared to knock upon Sir Gregory Pitkin’s office door.

But then, a word spoken in a deep and thunderous monotone drew his attention to something very different. “Oh yes, my dear. That is beautiful. Just hold that pose for a moment, would you? So beautiful.”

Bending down and knowing that he should not under any cirrcomstances have been doing what he was doing, Bernard fixed his eye to the keyhole.

Never before had he felt such a tidle wave of shock and appalled horror sweeping over him.

In the middle of Sir Gregory’s office, a tall golden haired woman was standing. Her long hair was not what horrified him. The fact that she was standing in Sir Gregory’s office was not what shocked him. The make up that was plastered across her face wasn’t what shocked him. What shocked him was the lack of clothing adorning the woman’s body. She appeared to have removed most of her clothing and was standing before a gaping Sir Gregory in a pose that was obviously meant to seduce. And seducing Sir Gregory was precisely what she was doing. He was gawping at the woman, holding a camera in his hands. Bernard drew in his breath in a gasp. He was photographing the woman, a woman who’s face he thought that he recognised. It was Miss Bentwater. Miss Bentwater from typing. Bernard had known that Sir Gregory had a relationship of a sexual nature with the woman but he didn’t think that it would have ever progressed that far. He certainly didn’t think that Miss Bentwater would ever do with Sir Gregory what she was doing now. She had made her way across to Sir Gregory and thrown her arms around him, pulling him into a tight imbrace. Bernard wished more than anything that he could bring himself to seace in his scrutiny of Sir Gregory and Miss Bentwater. But he could not. They were kissing now, an unseemly sight for anyone in any office. Bernard could not believe it. This was the ministry, the very heart of her majesty’s government. It was not at all seemly for anyone to behave in such a fashion. And yet Sir Gregory and his female companion seemed to care not. They remained standing there in the middle of the room, both of them apparently ignorant of Bernard’s presence behind the office door.

Once the two finally pulled apart, Bernard heard the low rumble of Sir Gregory’s voice once again. “Oh, and bye the way, my dear, I have managed to get those bookings sorted out. A weekend stay at Blackpool. How does that sound?”

Miss Bentwater may have said something, but Bernard was in no position to hear her. He had chosen that moment to slip silently away, walking back down the corridor with his reason for visiting the under secretary forgotten entirely. As if seeing his boss snogging the face off one of the government’s typists had not been bad enough, he had witnessed Sir Gregory inviting said typist on a no doubt sexy weekend. Bernard was appalled. Blackpool. Of all the places available to the beach loving public, Sir Gregory had chosen Blackpool. The whole thing was incomprehensible. Blackpool. Bernard tried not to think of it, Sir Gregory and his lady enjoying sexy times at Blackpool pleasure beach. It was too awful to contemplate.

Bernard was in a daze by the time he returned to the office. Mildred asked something about why he had come back so quickly and why he was looking so troubled. Bernard could think of nothing to say. He couldn’t bare to repeate it. Instead, he muttered only that Sir Gregory had been busy and made his way back to his desk. He slumped forward and pretended to be suddenly taken up with his paperwork. Behind his earnestly reading eyes however, his mind was racing. He had finally discovered what truly happened behind cabinet doors. He couldn’t believe it. As if the lack of work done by government people hadn’t been enough of a shock, Bernard now had this to contend with. He wondered how much more he would come to learn.


End file.
